Help! I'm always so angry....
…Dealing with hurt & anger that doesn't go away
One of the many compliments I get from my readers is how relatable my articles are and I can say for a fact that it is because I almost always write from a place of experience, not just knowledge.
This particular article is not left out.
Something happened recently and it opened my eyes to how much anger I've been carrying in my heart for a very long time.
Consciously I had convinced myself that I was over the hurt but subconsciously I still harbored resentment towards a lot of people who hurt me, both the living and the dead…lol
Anywho, as a psychologist I am inherently compelled to not just experience emotions, but also explore them.
I believe it would be an absolute waste of pain and tears if nothing comes out of the whole situation; no lesson, no art, no nothing…
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So, while I discovered that I was still being held back by anger and resentment on a subconscious level, about something that happened over a decade ago…
I decided to take out time to research why and how it is possible to be so angry, for so long even after consciously desiring and even deciding to let go and move on.
I know the word on the street is that bitter people are bad and will eventually burn in hell but honestly, I beg to differ.
Not just because I'm an ex-bitter person, but also due to the fact that bitterness & anger is only a reflection of something hidden, something that has been buried so deep it would require a spiritual or psychological interference to identify.
My point is this; the next time you meet a bitter and angry person, before you judge, take sides and predict how they'll end up,
maybe take out time to consider some of the points I'll be spelling out in this article then go ahead to send them this article too.
Meanwhile, if you're an angry or bitter person, cheer up! Your help has come.
I have a lot to share with you today so, let's get started.
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Is this article even for you?
I think answering this question is a great way to start because it's easy to conclude that you're not an angry person because of what anger may mean to you.
Over time, I have realized that having a wide vocabulary can go a long way in helping you identify and process your emotions.
I have said that to say this; Anger is a chameleon!
A perfect way to describe it would be when the Bible spoke of the single coat with many colors that Joseph had.
Anger is fierce but even more so, it can be subtle and this is the part most of us miss.
The description “Angry person” doesn't just refer to an individual who is hot-headed, always yelling, frowning and breaking things.
This is the fierce expression I mentioned earlier.
But on a subtle note, anger can look like dark sarcasm, resistance to receiving help, struggle to trust, or “just being tired of people.”
It can show up in your constant need to defend yourself, even when no one is attacking you.
In how quickly you get irritated when someone tries to correct or rebuke you.
Or even in the way you shut down when someone tries to get close.
Sometimes, it also looks like being emotionally unavailable, or low-key resentful of people who seem too happy or too carefree.
I personally can attest to this last one.
So in school, there's this one girl in my class who's always smiling and jumping around like a baby goat.
For the longest time, it would just irritate me!
I would always wonder what she was so happy about. I'd even ask “what's there to be excited about in this life?”
It was later on it occurred to me that this thought process was really just a reflection of the level of brokenness in my heart.
A lot had happened that I was still angry about, and it was making me see life through a broken lens, causing the irritation I was feeling toward that innocent child.
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I also discovered that one of the subtle ways anger can show up is that you stop asking for help and you stop trusting.
Not because you don’t want to—But underneath, it’s often an old hurt that was never fully expressed or acknowledged.
If you were shamed or rejected the last time you opened up, that hot rage you felt that wasn't addressed or processed didn't vanish into space…
It just started showing up as trust issues or hyper-independence; Same coat, multiple colors.
I think this will be the best time to mention that your emotion is an abstract type of matter. In other words, although it can't be seen, it also has weight and occupies space.
Nothing ever really just disappears into thin air, even if it happened centuries ago. It will only keep reinventing itself, until you finally pay attention to the root cause.
Lastly, subtle anger can also disguise itself as detachment, avoidance, control, perfectionism, or even numbness.
The thing is while you may not consciously feel angry, it is possible for your body & subconscious mind to still remember the betrayal, the abandonment or the injustice.
There's an entire psychological mechanism sponsoring this process and that leads me to the next point of discussion:
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Why am I still angry after all this time?
Remember from the beginning, I told you about an experience that triggered my personal introspection and eventually this article right?
Let me give you a vague background to help you understand.
When I was much younger, something happened to me and I trusted someone with the details of that event and the manner in which they handled the whole situation made me very angry.
From their reaction, it was clear that no one really believed me. They misinterpreted the situation and I never got the opportunity to defend myself.
The inability to defend myself, the fact that I was wrongly accused and misunderstood made and kept me angry for years and I didn't even realize it.
Consciously, being an adult and a Christian, I had convinced myself that I was over it, but it took a spiritual interference to bring me to the realization that on a subconscious level I was still very angry.
While I introspected on how and why it is possible to carry such strong emotion for such a long time without even realizing it, I came to the following conclusions:
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1. Your maturity or Christianity doesn't concern your subconscious mind:
Your subconscious mind is like a hidden storage system in your brain that quietly holds your memories, emotions, beliefs, and habits—even the ones you're not actively thinking about.
What we don't realize is this part of your mind works behind the scenes, silently influencing your thoughts, decisions, and behaviors.
So, it doesn't matter that what happened was petty and now you're a “big boy/girl”, if the event was unresolved in the subconscious, you will still be angry about it.
It also doesn't matter that now you are Born Again and you identify as a new creation, there is still such a thing as the renewing of the mind and healing is a part of that process
My point is you must understand that there's a difference between what you know and how you feel.
This difference is the reason why you can know you should let go of the past hurt and can even genuinely desire to let it go but still lack the ability to do so
Like me, the anger you feel and show whether in a fierce or subtle manner is really just a reflection of something deeper.
That hot rage you feel at the slightest offense even when there's really nothing to be angry about is an indication that there's something you should address on a subconscious level and I'll tell you how to do it in a few minutes.
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Anyways the next thing I realized is this:
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2. Anger can go from being an emotion to a habit:
Being angry by default is a real thing and if it's something you can relate to then this point applies to you.
One thing you must realize is the mind is great at learning and adapting. It most often does this by repetition.
So it doesn't matter what you do, whether positive or negative, as long as you do it continuously & consistently, the mind learns and adapts to it as a culture.
If you lived in an environment where you were constantly provoked or offended, and being angry was a constant, your mind eventually stops seeing anger as a mere responsive behavior to a habitual one.
You're not always angry because you're possessed — at least I hope not.
It's happening because you're stuck in a loop from many years of practicing anger and now even when there's no reason to be angry, you're just pissed.
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3. Anger can become an addiction:
This point relates directly to the previous point.
In the article about how to break free from addictions, I clearly stated that it is possible to become addicted to certain emotions.
Have you ever seen people who are perpetually sad and gloomy? I can tell you for a fact that 80% of them have become addicted to that feeling without even realizing it.
Such that even when there's nothing to be sad about they can go to the extent of creating scenarios whether in reality or in their imaginations just to feel that emotion.
The same applies to Anger.
It doesn't take much to get addicted. You just have to indulge that factor repeatedly. Addictions are usually fueled by the pleasure you get when the dopamine hormone is released in your brain.
The moment your mind finds pleasure in something or someone even if it is a seemingly unpleasant experience, and it happens again and again, an addiction can occur.
For most of us, anger is a defense. Especially with situations & people you feel helpless against eg authority figures such as parents,older siblings, leaders etc.
That anger you feel gives you a sense of control, strength and power and this by default brings pleasure to your heart.
So, the more you're hurt and offended, you're forced to cling to anger as your defense, this gives you that dopamine boost of pleasure like you have control, so your anger is justified and it feels like a good thing.
This happens again and again until it eventually becomes a circle.This is how you can become addicted to Anger.
I have said all of this to first assure you that you're not crazy, you simply have a problem that needs to be addressed.
If we can identify it, then we can solve it.
Taking me to the next thing:
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How can I stop being angry all the time?
Before I go into tips, tricks and techniques, let me finish the story I was telling you earlier on…
Now, I recently realized that I was still angry and bitter about what happened to me while I was much younger — over 10 years ago…
So what did I do?
I went to one of the figures of authority in my life and I told this person everything that happened. For the first time, I actually told my side of the story, I was listened to and I literally felt light & free.
Why?
When I got home, I started to introspect and ask myself questions…
How come I have struggled to let go of this emotion for years but after one conversation, everything was gone?
And then I realized…
The major reason I had stayed angry wasn't because of what happened to me but because of the way it was handled.
I was falsely accused and was never given the opportunity to say anything in my defense. No one stood up for me either.
That injustice was what kept me angry. The fact that no one believed my side of the story and no one saw how hurt I was.
This anger made me lash a lot as a teenager. I was a very troubled child, constantly rebelling and revolting.
I was just always soooooo angry at everyone. I would even think to myself, “if I'm not happy, no one else would be…”
Then I would proceed to do something that would ruin everyone's mood. It was that bad!
At some point everyone thought I was possessed, even I too started to believe it at some point because it wasn't just the normal teenage craze. It was really bad!
Now that I know better, I can see a straight line through everything that happened. I can see how much of a lie some of the labels I had accepted was
“Oh I'm short-tempered. I get angry and irritated easily”
“I'm troublesome & problematic” — ok maybe just a little lol
“I don't like people…”
All of these were just expressions of pent up rage and the more I heal in my heart and mind, the more I see how much of a lie these labels are.
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Now why have I decided to dump my life's story on you?
Because first of all, I intend for it to open your eyes to see what anger truly is and how much harm it can cause to you and your relationships if left unaddressed.
It's not a coincidence that you're reading this article. If you relate to any of the things I've said so far then you must decide to be intentional about healing and changing.
So, what are the tips, tricks and techniques to help you get over the subject of anger?
Let's get to it:
1. Identification & Acceptance:
It is very important to start with this because some of you can be delusional in the wrong situations.
This is not the time to practice “delulu is the solulu”.
From everything you have read and learnt so far, sit back and identify the root cause fueling the reaction of anger.
Accept that this is your current reality and then work on changing.
2. Structures and systems:
If you're always angry, edgy or irritated then it has most likely evolved from an emotion to a habit or even an addiction.
Healing thrives with systems and structures.
More than just knowing who or what hurt you and releasing them from your heart, you still have to break out of the loop.
Structures can look like having mantras you can repeat over and over again. It could be a quote or even better a scripture.
It can look like having a journal where you're absolutely honest. It can look like saying a prayer whenever you feel the surge of anger. It can look like watching a comedy show — something to lighten up your mood.
The point is to not lean into that feeling of anger. This is how you break out of the loop.
3. Vent! Vent! Vent!:
Anger stews and grows in silence and negligence.
Talk to someone; God, family, friends, leaders…
Just talk to somebody about what happened.
It releases the pent up rage and brings some form of relief.
If you need an outlet to vent, we already made you one.
You can share your story anonymously. No one will know your name but everyone will know the truth from your end
4. God really helps:
Is the article even complete if I don't say this?
And I'm not always saying it as some “Christian religious obligation”
This God thing actually works. Trust me!
No one gets it like him. Pray about the thing you feel. Study his word daily.
If there's anyone that specializes in helping you heal from hurt, it's God. Try him!
Don't know how or where to start? Start heređź‘‹
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Wrapping up:
It took me nearly 1 week to wrap up this article and for the impact I perceive it has had on you, then I must say all the effort was absolutely worth it.
I always love to round up by saying, be kind to yourself. Healing is a journey not an event.
On some days you'll be more than a conqueror, on other days, you'll be shamefully conquered.
In the latter days, please give yourself grace.
If it took years to establish a bad habit, don't expect to change in a day, a week or even a month.
The goal is to be 1 or 2 percent better everyday.
I'm rooting for you like mad!
I love you like crazy!
Until next time, take care<3
If you got value and you're feeling grateful, you can buy me a drink:)
Remember, If you need an outlet to vent, we already made you one.
You can share your story anonymously. No one will know your name but everyone will know the truth from your end
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