Help! How do I get rid of my Sexual addiction?
There's this thing my phone does and honestly it's hard to explain in comprehensible words,but I'll try…
So, I noticed that sometimes all the icons suddenly gets pushed to one edge of the screen.
The notification bar, the lock screen photo, the time widget, basically everything just slides awkwardly to one-side.
Whenever this happens, I'd have to restart the phone, so it can return back to its default setting.
I've used this phone for well over 2 years now and for the first time recently, I actually figured out what the problem was and why it kept happening.
The moment I understood where the problem came from, fixing it became easier.
Now when my phone goes into “one-sided” mode, I no longer restart blindly because I now know what to do to restore the setting.
My initial approach; blindly restarting the phone hoping that everything eventually works, is how a lot of people approach the issue of sexual addiction.
They blindly try every tip, trick and technique they find online hoping something works out, but this is what the Bible described as “The labor of a fool”
“The labor of fools wearies them, for they do not even know how to go to the city!” (Eccl. 10:15)
Now, I have shared this seemingly mundane experience I have with my phone to emphasize to you the importance of figuring out the “why”, before delving into the “how”
So, I know you came with expectations to receive solutions and I promise, I do have the solutions to your problem…
But first and foremost for your own good and for the sustainability of your healing, let's understand why you're so addicted to sex/porn in the first place
Shall we?
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The Psychology of Sexual Addiction: Why Do You Keep Going Back?
As nice as sex may be, when it becomes a compulsive, obsessive behavior where you lose control over your will and action, it evolves into a thorn in the flesh.
Like every other addiction, SA (sexual addiction) is basically a vehicle that helps you arrive at a desired destination.
This just means that at its core, SA isn’t just about sex. It is usually about something deeper.
My theory is this: If you can pinpoint why exactly you indulge in the act, you can definitely figure out how to quit the act.
So, if SA is not about sex, what is it about then?
It's about filling an emotional gap!
Research has shown that the majority of people who struggle with SA as adults have back stories of either neglect, abuse, abandonment, or trauma.
As children, they may have been molested, they may have lacked the consistent love and safety they needed while growing up...
they may have lacked validation and affirmation, so now as adults, they sub-consciously turn to sexual behaviors as a way to self-soothe.
Think of it this way: the behavior you see (pornography, masturbation, womanizing, fornication etc) is actually just the symptom, drawing your attention to the real sickness underneath.
Let me give you a practical example using an imaginary case study:
The Persona:
Let's call him Lucky. He is a 23 year old guy with a body count of over 32 women.
He's a 300 level undergraduate studying Agriculture in the University of Ibadan and he has just recently realized that he has become a sex addict.
The Backstory:
Growing up in an emotionally unsafe environment, Lucky used to be the smallest in his class. A light skinned skinny boy who comes from an average family.
The shape and size of his head looked funny, so he got picked on a lot by his classmates, family and even strangers.
This tampered with Lucky's self esteem and he developed a negative self concept.
The Trigger:
After secondary school, he got into the University and met a lady called Cheta, a beautiful young lady who to his surprise actually liked him.
They got into a relationship and a few weeks later, it ended, but then something had happened to our dear Lucky.
His relationship with Cheta opened him up to a part of himself he didn't realize existed; the smooth guy!
And this became a source of validation for him.
The implication:
As someone who has struggled with neglect, verbal abuse and esteem issues all his life, the fact that he could talk to a girl and get her to like him became a source of dopamine (pleasure)
It made him feel great about himself and so off he went.
Womanizing became a sport to Lucky and of course we both know womanizing hardly ever ends at just womanizing.
The sex started happening, monthly, bi-weekly, 3 times a week and eventually daily. Women trooped in and out of his room and he even got the nickname “Baddest”
The addiction:
This promiscuous behavior earned him a seat at the “big boys” table. It evolved from being an action to a personality, it gave him fame & a name.
Because of these mundane incentives; the blast of dopamine whenever a woman falls for his gimmick…
Or the boost of pleasure whenever people hype him up
Lucky has become stuck in the loop of sexual addiction.
He believes he’s having fun, but in real sense, he's oblivious to the fact that sex has become a trauma response, a coping mechanism that helps him deal with the deep emotional wounds he carries from childhood.
Phew…poor Lucky!
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Like Lucky a lot of people have been lured into thinking the irresistible urge to indulge in sexual promiscuity is a mere function of their personality or desire.
Meanwhile, that action is really just drawing your attention to something broken in your core, something that needs to be fixed.
Wait!
Just before you slip into the Self condemnation/Shame Loop, let's quickly address it…
Shall we?
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Breaking The Shame Loop: JSYK, You’re actually Not a Monster!
One of the hardest parts of sexual addiction isn’t just the behavior. It’s the shame that follows.
That accusing voice in your head that goes, “you’re disgusting. There's definitely something wrong with you, you're broken. You'll never change. And you're a Christian oo…” lol!
This is the point where many people dread, the guilt that comes after masturbating, watching porn, or making out with an ex… lol again!
Do you know why I added this part to this article?
Because the truth is: shame is one of the biggest fuels of addiction.
Here's how it works, Shame makes you hide and the more you hide, the more isolated you feel.
The more isolated you feel, the more likely you are to return to the very behavior you’re trying to escape.
This is what psychologists call the Reward-Pain cycle: Dopamine spikes → temporary relief → shame → emotional pain → repeat.
Shame also prevents you from asking for help. You run away from everyone, including the very people who can help you out of that situation.
Listen, the longer you keep your struggle a secret, the stronger its hold.
The harder you try to fight the urge, uninformed and unhelped, without addressing the pain beneath, the tighter the cycle grips you.
But the moment you shine light on it — through confession, community, or even just writing honestly in your journal — the shame begins to lose power and healing becomes achievable.
PS: We are creating a safe space for the serious ones who are tired of being held back by sexual addiction.
You join in, you tell your story, you learn and you grow.
Our community is open to only 10 individuals at the moment. If you're interested, use the link below to join.
Click here to Join👋 (It's Free!)
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Guilt vs. Shame
Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is paramount so you know which to indulge or ignore.
Now, it's pretty simple, Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” but Shame says, “I am wrong.”
Guilt says, “I did something bad.” but Shame says, “I am a bad person.” You get the point?
The thing is guilt can be healthy sometimes because it points you toward change.
But shame? Shame convinces you that you are the problem, and that belief is what really keeps you stuck.
Because just as the bible says,
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he…” (Prov. 23:7)
Ultimately, all I am trying to say is that secrecy makes the addiction worse.
How can you deal with the shame within?
Short answer? By Reframing the Story!
Your mind is gullible, whatever you tell it consistently, it eventually believes and this belief is materialized as your reality.
So how do you reframe the story so you're better positioned for growth?
This should become your thought process:
I am not my addiction. I am a whole, worthy person who just happens to be carrying wounds and if wounds can heal, then it's just a matter of time for me to get past this.
I am not the first person to watch pornography or masturbate or fornicate and quite frankly I won't be the last. Is it a bad thing? Yes! But does it define me? Hell, no!
I am actively working on changing because I am reading articles like this, learning and identifying the unhealthy patterns. It's just a matter of time, I'll grow out of this nonsense. Period!
Now, Am I encouraging your bad character? Nope!
So what am I doing then?
Removing sexual addiction from the mental pedestal you've placed it on. It's really not such a big deal!
I want you to start thinking…
“Yes, I'm addicted to porn…and so what? I'm working on changing and that's what matters the most!”
The moment you start thinking like this, the fear of relapsing, or being found out automatically vanishes and this gives you a clearer mind to effectively identify and deal with your triggers.
Now, Speaking of triggers, once you've broken the power of shame and fear, the next thing would be to identify your triggers so you know what, who and where to avoid.
Let's see some examples of generic triggers to take note of
Shall we?
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Triggers That Keep Pulling You Back
Your trigger is what initiates a thought, then a desire, then an action.
I explained this extensively in my book where I shared my own personal experiences with sexual addiction and how I managed to scale through.
You can get a copy using the link below
The truth is most people relapse into SA, only when specific triggers show up. Common ones include:
- Boredom – craving stimulation
- Loneliness – longing for connection
- Rejection – numbing the sting
- Stress – looking for relief
Something else you should watch out for is fantasy.
You see, fantasy gives the illusion of control and escape — an easy way to soothe emotions when real life feels too heavy. This plays a powerful role in triggering desire.
This is why identifying your triggers is important, so you can avoid them until you grow to the point where it doesn't affect you anymore.
Now let's skip to the good part:
How do I actually get rid of the addiction?
Shall we?
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The Journey to Freedom
First things first…let's talk disclaimers:
This growth will not happen overnight. Sometimes you'll feel like what the Bible describes as more than a conqueror, while on other days you'll be shamefully conquered.
On both days, be kind and patient to & with yourself.
Notice I titled this section: The journey to freedom, not the teleportation or sudden appearance to freedom…why?
Because that is really what healing is: A journey & a process. So give yourself time and grace.
Ultimately, treat yourself like someone you're in love with.
Now, let's get started…
You know how it goes, I prepared practical steps you can start implementing even right now:
Step 1: Awareness
Teach yourself to observe your thoughts and emotions. Become intentional about noticing what emotions or situations precede your urges. Journaling is a powerful tool here.
A practical example: “Today, I watched pornography and masturbated because I had a very stressful day. I experienced disappointments at work.
When I got home, there was nothing to eat and I was so drained so I tried to catch a quick nap and my mind slipped…”
Keeping track of these moments will help you easily identify the next relapse, so you can do the next thing…
Step 2: Delay gratification
The hormone at play in the context of sexual addiction is dopamine also known as The pleasure hormone.
From my personal research, I have realized that the driving force behind this hormone is impulse i.e immediate gratification.
So if you can systematically introduce delayed gratification which is the opposite, you can weaken it's hold.
In simple terms, when the urge comes, don't indulge immediately.
A practical example: You're laying on your bed and you get the urge to watch pornography or call your foolish ex, this is what you do: “Okay, I'll call him or her or I'll watch the porn, let me just buy bread from outside first…” then actually go outside.
By doing this you have reduced the potency of the urge because you didn't indulge immediately.
After a while, that urgency would dissipate and you'll probably even forget.
PS: If it doesn't go away, keep delaying. Its a mental trick where you tell your mind you'll do something but then distract it with another activity.
Step 3: Lifestyle Changes
Sometimes, triggers can be places, people, movies, books, or even some social media accounts you follow…
The truth is the tips and tricks will work but what actually maintains the change and growth is the structures you set up.
So you may have to block certain people, unfollow certain accounts, delete certain movies, stop reading certain books or even take more drastic measures like changing environments, discarding any source of social media or internet…etc
These are steps you must take to ensure you don't relapse.
PS: If you're starting out, don't overwhelm yourself with too many restrictions at once. It will backfire. Start with little changes and then upscale from there.
Step 4: Affirmations work!
The Bible says, life and death lies in the power of the tongue. (Proverbs 18:21)
You can literally use your words to reconstruct your desires, your thoughts and your actions. Words are that powerful.
Here are some affirmations you can use:
“I think sanctified thoughts only.
I am not in the bondage of any addiction.
I have a strong will and I do not yield to promiscuous desires
I am not an addict. I am free”
Say it to yourself consistently even after you just finish doing the opposite, still say it. Words are like seeds. It may take a while for them to germinate but germinate they will!
It also helps to confess the word of God.
Some scriptures you can use on your own:
- Job 31:1
- Psalm 119:9, 11
- 1 Corinthians 6:18–20
- Galatians 5:16
- Romans 6:12–14
Step 5: Coping mechanisms
Remember from the beginning, we established that sexual addiction is usually a means to an end. Maybe to cure loneliness or stress or boredom etc
So the plan is when you discover the end, you find another means to get there.
A practical example: Using the free addiction journal, you realized that the major reason you masturbate is actually because of boredom.
You're a lonely bachelor who works from home and lives alone…now that you know, instead of using pornography to cure your boredom, how about you get a dog you can walk or visit a friend?…
The idea of coping mechanisms is to introduce healthier ways of meeting your emotional and physical cravings
Some more include, praying, working out, starting a new hobby, calling a loved one, etc.
These practices basically rewire your brain to seek relief in life-giving ways.
Get the free addiction journal. It contains questions that help you identify your triggers, feelings, and progress.
Step 6: Invest in community
It doesn't have to be a crowd or a town meeting.
Even finding one or two persons you can confide in is more than enough.
You must understand that healing is not a solo project and growth thrives in communities.
It's easier to change when you have people you're changing with or people who are rooting for you.
So, seek community, therapy, healthy friendships, or spiritual guidance. The truth is a safe relationship is a catalyst for transformation.
PS: We are creating a safe space for the serious ones who are tired of being held back by sexual addiction.
You join in, you tell your story, you learn and you grow.
Our community is open to only 10 individuals at the moment. If you're interested, use the link below to join.
Click Here to join👋 (It's Free!)
Wrapping up:
Before writing this article, I felt the nudge to really pray for you who is reading right now.
I spoke life-changing words over your life and one of them was that this article becomes the beginning of your freedom.
I told God that any one who reads this article is not allowed to remain the same. PS: The Lord always answers my prayers!
So I can assure you that your life is truly about to take a new turn. It may not seem like it from the beginning but I beg you to please trust the process and go easy on yourself.
Always come back to this article, use the free and even paid resources provided, implement what you've learnt and just give yourself time my love.
This addiction doesn't define you and healing is absolutely possible for you as long as you don't stop trying.
💌 Before you go: I understand that this is a sensitive topic and sharing your feedback directly to me may be uncomfortable for you…
so I’ve created a safe, anonymous link where you can share your unique experiences, testimonies, feedbacks and questions.
Your story and words might just help someone else feel less alone.
Click on me to write anonymously👋
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Are you a Newbie?
If this whole "Jesus thing" is new to you and you're confused as to where and how to start, I'll gladly explain:
It's really simple!
The first step is getting Born Again...
Jesus is the only begotten son of God.
He lived, died and resurrected so you and I can have the luxury of salvation.
To be Born Again, you simply have to believe this in your heart and now make the confession below with your mouth out loud. That's it!
Are you ready:)
“Dear heavenly father, I believe in Jesus Christ, your son. I believe he died and was raised again for me. I believe he is alive today and I confess with my mouth that from today Jesus is the lord of my life. I receive eternal life into my spirit. I am a child of God! I am Born Again! Glory to God!”
If you said the prayer, congratulations!
The next step is to GROW!
All you have to do is send me this message via email and I'll walk you through the entire process. It's simple!
Email address: iamgodsquill@gmail.com
Email message:
Subject: I just got Born Again!
Message: Hi Sofie, I said the prayer of salvation and I just got Born Again. What do I do next?
Ps: Just Copy and Paste!
That being said, until next time, take care<3
