Dear God, I want what she has....!
I saw a little girl cuddled up with her Dad and I was jealous…
Seated on a gray couch, directly opposite the television with a movie on - Mission Impossible, the living room was dimly lit, but the light from the screen made it possible to see.
She is 12 years old, light-skinned, and pretty. All of the things I used to be.
Her father laid slightly on the couch, his right arm draped over the top of the cushion, his legs were relaxed on the center table, and his eyes fixed on the TV. He was having a great time.
She left were she was seated and climbed up to the couch, neatly folding herself in a nook beside him,
she wrapped her hands around him, and slowly rested her head on his bulgy tummy with her eyes also glued to the TV.
Tom Cruise had done something in the movie and the Dad was making a comment about it, so I turned to listen and that was when I caught the first glance.
After then, I couldn't stop turning, not because he kept talking, but because I wanted more of what I had seen.
I knew I had to stylishly stare so it didn't get creepy and the more I did, the better the view got, the more appealing the image became to my heart.
This was when I began feeling a series of different emotions.
It started with sadness.
In that moment as I watched that child have a life I could only dream of, a reality I could only experience in my vivid imaginations and many daydreams...
It broke my heart that while the rest of us can only ever imagine what it would feel like to be in this type of situation,
some other lucky ones have unlimited access to all of this love and affection.
At that moment, I couldn't help but think…
"what would it have felt like?
What it would have felt like to be seen, heard and held at such a tender age?…
What would it have felt like to be genuinely validated and acknowledged?….
What would it have felt like to rest in safety because you know daddy's here?..."
My mind wondered….
Would it have made me turn out any different?
Would it have prevented some of the things I've had to ignore and endure?
Would it have made life any easier and the hurt any less painful?
From a young age, I learnt never to question God, so as I watched her, coiled up like a tiny fish roll beside him, I caught myself thinking,
“Dear God, I wish it was me…"
I continued to stare from a distance and the more I looked, i gradually felt all of that sadness evolve into jealousy….
Honestly, I couldn't stop myself.
For one of the few times in my life, I felt raw envy...
The kind that desperately aches at the depths of your heart, trying to claw it's way out to expression by any means necessary - whether through words, gestures, or tears
I wanted what she had and I wanted it at all cost.
For some minutes I didn't mind what the cost would be.
I just looked at her and felt like flinging her in a river or something, just so I could have a bit of what she had in that moment, even if it was for just 180 secs.
I craved that feeling of protection.
The feeling of a strong arm holding you,
the feeling of genuine security where you didn't have to worry about a thing because again, “Daddy's here!”
If I got 3 minutes of that privilege, I would use it to simply bask in the pure nothingness of this kind of safety; the safety only a father can provide.
Again I thought to myself,
“Dear God, I know you are my heavenly father, but right now, I wish this was me….”
Now unlike the first transition, this next one happened rather too quickly. From jealousy to anger.
My inner child raged.
She raged at the girl and her dad for being insensitive to her unmet emotional needs which they were absolutely unaware of…
She raged at me for allowing her witness this “disgusting” show of genuine affection…..
She raged at herself for caring….
She raged at the father she never knew for denying her the possibility of ever experiencing this reality….
She raged at life for being what she considered unfair and partial….
And then, she raged at God for being the giver and keeper of life.
So many questions began flooding my mind in that moment…questions that have been lurking in the corners of my heart all my life.
I tried to be the reasonable, sensible, and understanding adult.
I tried the whole “christian talk” - everything happens for a reason, God knows best, It will all work out for Good.
I did and said all of these things in a bid to soothe raging Baby Sofie, but in that moment, she wasn't having it.
She felt cheated
She felt hurt
She felt left out
For all of the pain, all of the nights of crying with no one to talk to,
all of the times when she wished someone would for once just listen to her side of the story,
all of the days she tried to please everyone and fit in, just so she too can be accepted.
She raged!
For all of the times she had to pretend she was okay,
for all of the fake smiles and laughs,
for every time she attempted to change herself just so again she could be accepted.
This is all she had ever wanted.
To be heard and not made to feel like her opinions were inconsequential,
To be seen without being judged, misunderstood or criticized
To be loved without the consistent demand to earn it,
To be held without feeling awkward or broken.
For all of these unmet desires, she raged!
I sat down there, still stylishly staring at the father and his baby, feeling all of these emotions, I thought to myself,
“Dear God, I really wish I could have this life…”
____________________________________
God typing….
“My child, my baby, the spun of my wisdom…
I hear you, I see you, I know you and I love you more than you can imagine
First of all, you must realize that no two destinies are the same. Everything is carefully orchestrated.
You are special
Your life is prophetic
Don't ever wish to be someone else.
You are perfect in the way and vessel in which you came.
Your life is not a mistake and your destiny is not a prank.
The things I allow you go through will help prepare you for the things you will have to go through.
You must understand that where you are prepares you for where you are going
and although some of the things that happened wasn't my will, I am actively working to make it all work for your good.
Don't you ever feel like you're alone. Even when I feel far, I am always closer than you think.
Don't let the devil deceive you into believing you have to deal with all of these pain and hurt on your own.
Remember, I am your ever-present help.
That's my literal job here; to help you get through things like this, but I can only help you if let me.
Cast your cares on me Sofia, for I careth for you.
Cast the anger on me,
cast the trauma on me,
cast the negative self concept on me,
cast the limiting beliefs on me, cast it all!
It's heavy and overbearing for you and the last thing I want is to see you being weighed down by all of these many emotional baggage.
I have what it takes to shoulder the weight without burning out but I can only take it off you if you can just say, “father, please help me”.
You can boss it up in front of the world,
you can lock up, lock in and smile for the camera.
You can be the adult before them all…
But before me, you are allowed to be the soft, tender hearted child that you are...
In my presence, you are allowed to be vulnerable and weak.
It is in this weaknesses, I express my strength.
It is in your confusion, my wisdom unfolds.
In your brokenness, my wholeness is seen.
This whole “fake it till you believe it” should end the moment you walk into my presence.
In my presence there is no shame, no guilt and no condemnation.
You presently feel like you can't trust anyone but believe it, you can trust me.
You can trust me with your heart,
you can trust me with your dreams,
you can trust me with your joy,
you can trust me with your desires both good and bad,
you can trust me with your secrets.
Sofia, You can trust me to be present,
you can trust me to not die on you,
you can trust me to protect, guide, guard, provide, restore.….you name it.
You really do not have to do life on your own.
We can navigate this mess together.
I promise you, there's so much on the other side of this pain and trauma.
There's so much joy once the day breaks, more joy than you've ever felt before.
Baby, there's so much light at the end of this tunnel, more light than you've ever seen.
You just have to be strong and courageous as I guide you through it all….
But this is all I really wish for though….
That you would just let me guide you.
That you would let me show you a way out.
That you would trust me enough to believe I have a plan that actually favors you.
Can you do this for me?”
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Are you a Newbie?
If this whole "Jesus thing" is new to you and you're confused as to where and how to start, I'll gladly explain:
It's really simple!
The first step is getting Born Again...
Jesus is the only begotten son of God.
He lived, died and resurrected so you and I can have the luxury of salvation.
To be Born Again, you simply have to believe this in your heart and now make the confession below with your mouth out loud. That's it!
Are you ready:)
If you said the prayer, congratulations!
The next step is to GROW!
All you have to do is send me this message via email and I'll walk you through the entire process. It's simple!
Email address: iamgodsquill@gmail.com
Email message:
Subject: I just got Born Again!
Message: Hi Sofie, I said the prayer of salvation and I just got Born Again. What do I do next?
Ps: Just Copy and Paste!
That being said, until next time, take care<3
